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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Google God: Google proves the importance of working

First published on Iranian.com January 10, 2007

Note: This is a satirical piece and commentary and not fact, none of the fake names, fake interviews, or fake products are real Google employees, or products. Although they should be.


Google was recently named the top company to work for in the US. Most of the news Google released in order to emphasize this by releasing this news, has emphasized this. Google makes one thing that it charges money for, namely that tiny Google text ad that you are ignoring while you are reading this fake news story. As a result and apparently, most of the employees at Google don't actually do anything, hopefully and including getting the attempt at satire here.

While the actual contribution of Google employees towards keeping Google the juggernaut it has become, or exactly what makes the company so successful, is largely unknown, it hasn't stopped the company from continually hiring more and more people, who in turn do not know what Google does. Thereby ensuring it's continued success.

Bob Moshpitt, an HR manager and 6-year veteran at Google said, "I get in around 10 and randomly grab resumes from my email inbox - I uh, think they come from Monster or Craig's List - and I forward them to another email address that I was given the first day I started. After that, I am totally free to work on my own project, which currently is this innovative free internet service that allows you to enter your email address or cell number, ethnic type, gender, and birth date, and after you mail in a urine sample to a lab in Fresno, the website will email, SMS, RSS, or Text you a reminder to let you know when it is time to cut your toenails, trim your ear and nose hair, and control that one crazy hair on your left eyebrow. You can then send your schedule and pictures of your clippings, including videos of the actual act, to other subscribers and share tips on grooming. I am expecting to be fully funded by Linner today, or tomorrow for sure." [Note: "Linner" is yet another Google innovation namely, the meal served after lunch, but before dinner.]

Susan "Sooz" Vagineram, a Maintenance Supervisor of First Impressions and a 1 year rookie, known as Googoolies at Google added, "We find that simply having a large pool of PhDs on our payroll, adds tremendously to our street credibility. Once we crossed the 300 PhD threshold back in 2005, we saw an average 60% increase in ad click throughs, and we think we're pretty sure, that is what caused it. At least that is the only thing we know we were actively doing at the time. So we have been steadily adding PhDs ever since." Asked what the PhDs actually did at Google, Vagineram replied, "Dude, does it matter?" Then she grinned incredulously. Such is the high relative morale at the world's leading repository of the world's known supply of repositable material.

Other companies seeing Google's tremendously unexplainable and unexplainably tremendous increase in market share, for simply being the coolest company ever thought up, announced similar Google-like employee motivational incentive plans. Some of these plans have yet to prove their worth. Chevron for example, recently announced a $5,000 monthly bonus for employees who commute by themselves in a full size (or larger) SUV, but added an extra $2,500 bonus, if the employee successfully proves they drove a Hybrid off the road, or caused one to "accidentally" plow into an organic non-pesticide using farmers market.

Other programs have been less than effective however, such as the decision by former networking hardware leader who chose to remain nameless for this article, but rhymes with "Frisco", to offer the infamous MUGU fish at the employee cafeteria sushi bar. The MUGU or puffer fish is extremely poisonous and has a 1 in 100 chance of causing sudden paralysis and death. However, from the general lack of energy and enthusiasm at "Frisco", it is unknown if any employees have actually been poisoned to date, or are simply this listless naturally.

While it seems that there is no end in sight for Google's stellar performance as one of history's most puzzling companies, one has to wonder what will happen when the final post-retirement-internet-based-business-franchise-that-thinks-spamming-is- a-valid-direct-to-consumer-promotional-program finally folds, and the advertising market having shifted it's entire sales force offshore, to entirely commission-based Indian and Chinese contractors who finally strike and win labor and wage concessions from management, finally realizes that Google's click ads, were in fact nothing more than the then easily ignored banner ads of the 90's, only image-less, absent the entertainment of trying to hit the monkey with the banana, but with about the same zero impact of generating any actual sales for the advertiser. Whatsoever.

What is interesting to note, is that the increase in sales that has been purportedly reported by, claimed by, and taken credit for by Google, during this Google era, has actually coincided with a parallel advertising campaign that is currently being run across the US during the Rush Limbaugh AM radio program, and those local coupon booklets you get in the mail.

In the meantime, the party's on at Google, and the wine flows like, well, wine, and a measure of a man's or woman's worth is in the amount of office bling in your cubicle, how much you can chug at Beer Bust Friday, how casual is too casual, and the color of your scooter's wheels. Google On Wayne! Google On Garth! Excellent!

News Update: Google announced today the launch of it's latest free service, Google God. Using Google God, prospective parishioners can now search across all known religions and upon finding the supernatural belief system that fits their personal training schedule, can instantly apply for and accept the deity of that religion as their personal savior.

Competing services Haji's List which connects Hajis to Hajis, or VirtualHaj.com offering those who cannot make the actual hajj pilgrimage, to be able to walk around the kaabeh seven times virtually, and WailingWall.com providing a realtime internetcam view of the wall on users' computer screens for remote praying, did not have any comment regarding Google's foray into this vertical market, but share prices of each dropped at the close of the market.

Google God makes switching faiths extremely simple by offering a constantly updated "Sin Calculator" allowing a sinner to instantly switch over to the best religion costing the least penance. Google God also announced partnerships with the Vatican in which the faithful could arrange for their newly chosen faith to be paid for automatically via payroll withholding using PayPal, Visa and MasterCard. Although no final announcement has been made at this time, God does not currently accept American Express. Google is an internet company based in theory and in 1998 invented the internet search engine that was already invented by Infoseek, Lycos and Yahoo in 1994.

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